Stay Chisel

Apple, Meet Tree

2007-06-21T16:36:00.000-05:00

Michael Jordan (left) shows his son (right) how it's done.

In High School You Were the Man, Homie.

2007-02-08T12:41:00.000-06:00

What the fuck happened to you?

Temporary Hold

2006-10-16T18:32:00.000-05:00

So, the timely updating of the world's greatest blog proved to be a much more time consuming endeavor than previously thought. We at Stay Chisel are on a temporary hiatus. In the meantime, check these Super Bowl bound Chicago Bears and get ready for the Bulls season. We'll be back right after we walk these dogs and shake these creditors loose.

A Loser Is A Loser

2006-06-12T21:58:00.000-05:00

Great game, homo. There's a reason why you are playing in the MLS after two chances in Germany, and you showed it to the world today.

Also, the AARP called for Eddie Pope. Please give him the message.

Dance for Crack, Gator!

2006-06-09T11:16:00.000-05:00

Sorry Samuel L. Jackson, it's been a nice run, but it's looking like your next stop is a straight-to-DVD banger with DMX. Hot on the heels of last summer's blockbuster The Man with Eugene Levy, comes Snakes on a Plane. Let us know if you can keep a straight face while reading the summary:

"Snakes on a Plane stars Samuel L. Jackson as an FBI agent who is escorting an eye witness on a flight from Hawaii to Los Angeles when a crimelord sets in motion the release of hundreds of deadly snakes on the commercial airplane in order to eliminate the witness before he can testify against him. The FBI agent must protect his witness while banding together with the pilot, frightened crew and passengers in a desperate attempt to survive."

Right about now, SamJax is blowing up Q.Tarantino's 2-way begging for him to consider making Pulp Fiction 2. Let's not forget that Jackson famously said that he would not make films with rappers, and then promptly shot the masterpiece XXX: State of the Union with Ice Cube and Xzibit.

Bottom line: Samuel L. Jackson is an over-rated clown whose career began and ended with Pulp Fiction. His Kangols and sunglasses are tired and he needs to quit making slop films. The next time this loser shows up on Inside the Actors Studio talking about "respecting the craft," remember who starred in Loaded Weapon I.

Chi-Town Fugaze

2006-04-22T17:41:00.000-05:00

Rhymefest has released a mix CD called Plugg City: City on My Back that sports cover art featuring the city of Chicago. The B-side on Rhymefest's new 12" single is called "Chicago-rillas." We at Stay Chisel are confused. Although a one-time Chicago resident, Rhymefest has not lived here in years. He has called Indianapolis home for a while now. In a recent interview, 'Fest said of Indianapolis, "I like living here and I'm not moving." Huh?

Now, we're not trying to dis Rhymefest because he lives in Indiana. Although we are convinced his new album will hit the dollar bin with unrivaled velocity, Stay Chisel thinks he's a great rapper who is capable of knocking out hits (see, e.g., "Jesus Walks"). That said, at what point do you have to stop claiming a city you no longer live in? Stay Chisel believes that if you no longer maintain a residence in a city, you lose all privileges. Making your primary home in another state makes this an extra violation (with Kanye West being the originator of this offense).

The rationale for claiming Chicago is obviou$. Coming from Chicago, you can ride the goodwill generated by Kanye West, Twista, Lupe Fiasco and Common, while commanding the attention of the nation's third largest city. Coming from Indianapolis, you get to continue the incredible rap legacy of the Mudkids, while capturing the imagination of a city the size of Orland Park. See our point?

Rhymefest claims Chicago for marketing and credibility purposes and we think that's offensive. One Stay Chisel staffer used to live in Virginia, but you won't see us riding for Norfolk in these pages.

Again, Stay Chisel likes Rhymefest as an artist and by all accounts he's a nice guy. We'll even buy his CD when all of the promos hit the used section at Reckless Records. Honestly, we hope his album does really well. But, if we see him perform live and he tries to claim Windy City status, we're booing at high volume. We suggest you do the same until he quits lying or moves back to the city.

Kanye Hearts Genesis

2006-03-26T19:45:00.000-06:00

Kanye West believes that the Arctic Monkeys sound like Phil Collins. Hmm. At what point can we write off any opinions this clown has, whether political or otherwise? Kanye has, on more than one occasion, cleared the wrong samples used on his albums. Why is this important? It demonstrates that, surprisingly, he knows very little about music. Kanye is probably still sampling Dug Infinite and No ID beat tapes rather than original records. Since no competent producer would ever overtly identify the samples used on his beat tapes, Kanye probably has no idea what he's sampling and relies on his untrained ear to figure out what's being sampled. Kanye is from Chicago, so Stay Chisel should be riding for dude, but fu*k that. We have standards.

This is a Lottery Pick?

2006-03-24T07:45:00.000-06:00

See you in the WNBA, homie.

Bobby Jenks: "Not Strong; Just Fat"

2006-03-24T07:32:00.000-06:00

"When you're fat and you're good, you're a strong guy. When you're fat and you're horsesh!t, you're fat." Ozzie Guillen on curvy White Sox closer Bobby Jenks.

In related news, Jenks just wrapped a new commercial for McDonalds.

2006-03-18T19:57:00.000-06:00

RIP to a real Chicago OG.

Caption Contest

2006-03-17T06:52:00.000-06:00

This might be the most emasculating photo of a pro athlete to ever cross the AP wire. We'll leave it to you to insert a caption, although "You're grounded" and "Pick up my towel, b!tch" readily come to mind.

La Oficina

2006-03-16T21:01:00.000-06:00

Without question, The Office is the best show on television right now. Just like real life, a lot of funny things happen, but at the end of the day it's still just sad.

On a side note, the next person who tells me that the BBC version of The Office is superior is getting punched in the face. Seriously, it's not funny.

Also, having a crush on Jenna Fischer is the 2006 version of having a crush on Jenna Von Oy.

I Love New York

2006-03-15T16:35:00.000-06:00

"I've been coaching how many years? A long time. I never left a team in worse shape than I got it. Not once. Now think about that. Think about me and think about the guy who's talking [Stephon Marbury]. All right? I've never asked anything of my players any different than I'm doing right now. Think about that."

OK, let's think about it:

Starbury has left every team he's ever been on in ruins.

LB left Kansas and Detroit as champions.

Steph was embarrassed by Jason Kidd 24 hours after proclaiming himself the best point guard in the NBA.

As a player, Larry Brown was a gold medalist and the all-time ABA assists leader.

Marbury has never made it out of the first round of the playoffs.

Brown has taken seven NBA teams to the playoffs (including taking a mediocre Sixers team to the NBA Finals).

Larry, you really fu*ked up the Olympic squad in 2004, but Stay Chisel is riding with you on this one.

FOB Jumps Shark

2006-03-14T00:28:00.000-06:00

When you get some fame, there are a few ways to handle it. One way is to bang groupies, do lines of coke and trash luxury hotel rooms. Another is to blow a bunch of money on a ridiculous self-indulgent video. Fall Out Boy has elected Option #2.

Since these kids are from Wilmette, Illinois, we at Stay Chisel typically ride for Fall Out Boy on Chicagoland (non-rainbow) Pride GP. However, we have got to draw the line with their new video "A Little Less Sixteen Candles..." In it, they play supernatural vigilantes who fight dancing, derby-rocking English vampires. Ayo, son, that's not emo, that's homo.

We all know that FOB is big on biting styles from the 80s (e.g., John Hughes films), but we're not sure a vampire reprise of Michael Jackson's "Moonwalker" is really what the streets are calling for right now.

The Juice is Loose

2006-03-12T10:04:00.000-06:00

Has anyone seen the "Touch It (Remix)" video? Busta Rhymes looks twice as wide as he did in the "Woo Hah" days, and he's also rocking that bloated Jason Giambi face. We're not saying anything here, but we're just saying...

Speaking of Busta Rhymes, Spliff Star is the gold standard of weed carriers. He has no rhymes that anyone remembers, but still gets mic-holding and stage-time privileges. Every time I see Spliff Star doing his little shuffle and facial mugging on stage, I cannot help but think of Jabba the Hutt's annoying, cackling pet from the third Star Wars movie.

Seat Jumping with Stars

2006-03-12T09:46:00.000-06:00

Illinois governor Rod "Bag-a-chips" Blagojevich is in some political hot water these days. First, the media determined that he appointed a Louis Farrakhan aide to his Illinois Human Rights Commission. Second, it was revealed that Blagojevich signed a proclamation honoring the Citizens for the Remembrance of Elijah Muhammad, a group which advocates racial separation. As it turns out, the CROE is run by Munir Muhammad, member of the gay governor's Human Rights Commission. People are up in arms because of the popular perception that the Commission is designed to promote racial unity. By its own charter, the Commission is just a hearing board for discrimination cases, so we think this issue is a little overblown.

At Stay Chisel, we try to fly above politics. We are interested in this story solely because Munir Muhammad is the host of cable access TV's "Muhammad and Friends." We have watched this show for years and think it is fantastic. More importantly, we have sat next to Muhammad at countless Chicago Bulls games. He seems nice and always rolls with guys in shiny suits (our money is on Roberto's on State Street). Although he attended virtually every home game during the 2005-2006 season, we don't think Muhammad ever had tickets. On more than one occasion, Muhammad was ushered from his seat by United Center staff for sitting in someone else's seats. Given his stature in the community, we applaud Muhammad's efforts to improve his seats at the risk of being escorted from the building. As far as Stay Chisel is concerned, Muhammad should be elevated to the chairman of the Human Rights Commission, if not governor of Illinois.

Rex Grossman Gets Immunity

2006-03-11T12:13:00.000-06:00

Two Stay Chisel staffers attended the Bulls-Clippers game last night. Throughout the game, this super cute blonde woman sitting courtside kept getting up and walking around. She was seated next to a smaller looking guy in a backwards Bulls pinwheel-style baseball cap. The Stay Chisel staffers called it out as a Total Mismatch^TM, until they realized that she was with Chicago Bears starting quarterback Rex Grossman.

Rex sat courtside and played catch with the Bulls' mascot during timeouts. At the end of the game, kids mobbed him for cameraphone pics and autographs. Rex spent at least 20 minutes taking photos and signing for kids. In an age of Barry Bonds selfishness, this was really refreshing. So Rex, if you ever do something worth mentioning here, Stay Chisel will look the other way. (Note: Offer invalid in connection with cocaine use and/or fathering illegitimate children.)

The Nuts In My Mouth Insinuate That I'm Ballin'

2006-03-04T01:32:00.000-06:00

America is abuzz with Grillz Mania. For the uninitiated, grills are removable pieces of mouth jewelry that are fitted on the teeth. Grills have been in and out of hip hop fashion forever, but it just took the realest rapper alive to bring it to the masses. Music historians can debate whether or not Nelly's master opus "Grillz" will qualify as the world's worst song ever, but there is no question that Ali from the St. Lunatics, Nelly's weed carrier and "Grillz" guest rapper, is the recipient of the Most Unintentionally Gay Rap Lyric of All-Time award.

Attempting to showcase his wealth, lyrical dexterity and mastery of presidential history in one lyric, Ali proudly declares "I got a bill in my mouth like Hillary Rodham!" Yikes! Without exaggeration, Ali's verse is a pink ascot away from "I got a gerbil in my caboose like Richard Gere."

A few quick points that should have been considered before the MP3 was sent to iTunes: First, a bill is only $100, so if your grill only set you back a C-note, you're basically talking about a filling (and that's $100 on an insurance co-pay). Second, if Hillary Clinton is putting Bill in her mouth, you know what time it is. That's a bloje, homes. Taken literally, Ali fixed a cavity. Metaphorically, he sucks dick. That's a hip hop lose-lose.

You can tell Nelly tried to minimize the damage here because he only gave Ali 2 bars in a song where Paul Wall seemingly raps for 2 hours (yes! another comment on the disco ball in his mouth!). In a way, you feel bad for Nelly because he's trying to put his friend on, but it all backfires so horribly. The perils of hip hop cronyism, I guess.

B3n G8rd8n PWNS nYc

2006-03-04T00:36:00.000-06:00

Tonight the Chicago Bulls came from as many as 16 down to beat the New York Knicks in Madison Square Garden. At this point, Larry Brown has been exposed as a total fraud, Isiah Thomas has cemented his place as the worst general manager of all time, and Eddy Curry continues to prove that he is the NBA's equivalent of the Tin Man. It should have come as no surprise, then, when my man on the left in the lion pelt collar stuck up his hometown Knicks for 32, including a back breaking 3 with just over 30 seconds to play.

Stay Chisel was never intended as a sports blog. You have the other SC (Sports Center) for that. But some stories are undeniable to the SC Staffers. The unbelievable demise of the Knicks is one such tale. After quitting the NBA-leading Detroit Pistons to coach this crew of overpaid clowns, you have to think that LB is working to either fake his death or cook up a "health scare" that will excuse his performance for the balance of the season. This morning, we read about Larry Brown's trip to the hospital to check out chest pains. Just laying the groundwork, we say. Do not be surprised when LB steps down before the season ends (or retires over the summer) to deal with health issues. Just tell your pals that you heard it on Stay Chisel first.

Pause

2006-03-01T07:38:00.000-06:00

Hey Ron Kittle, I'll wear a dress and a wig, but I'm still not signing autographs for white people.

The Big Skirt

2006-02-28T13:34:00.000-06:00

The lack of follow-up Olympic posts is a clear signal that my interest in the Turin Games dropped off the map shortly after making the last post. Final grades? Bode Miller is a total clown, Shani Davis is a baby and Sasha Cohen is a moderate flop. The real answer here is that nobody will care about skiing, speed-skating and figure skating for the next 4 years, so I'm content.

The real news is the war of words between Ken Williams and "Big Bank" Frank Thomas. Thomas has been a whiner for years, complaining about everything from his multi-million dollar contract to his gold-digging ex-wife to his house in Burr Ridge. Now that the White Sox have decided to move on without him, he badmouths the club at every opportunity. KWilliams has had enough and put Thomas on blast this week, telling Sox staffers that if the team ever erects a statue in Thomas' honor, "it should have a skirt on it."

On top of that, Williams told the media that Sox owner Jerry Reinsdorf made loans to Thomas. Loans for what? Thomas was making 8 figures a year! I don't know if it would be funnier if the Sox loaned Thomas $100 or $100,000. Either way, I would love it if Thomas' former teammate Albert "Don't Call Me Joey" Belle told the media that Thomas still owes him $20 from their days of hitting Martini Ranch to holler at girls who weren't their wives. Speaking of Belle, he was recently arrested for stalking an ex-girlfriend. Belle was upset that the media was interested in covering his arrest, but not his induction in the Hall of Fame (neglecting to mention that his honors reside not in Coopertown, but in the Louisiana Sports Hall of Fame.)

Cat Fight!

2006-02-21T23:45:00.000-06:00

Welcome to Stay Chisel.

Right about now, I can do with a lot less of two things: Kanye West and the Olympics. Given that I was just subjected to 2 hours of figure skating, let's set Kanye aside for a second.

As a preliminary matter, nobody really cares about the Winter Olympics unless there is some compelling personal storyline to accompany the athletes. Recognizing that the quality of the competition was insufficent to earn enough viewers to justify the cost of broadcasting, NBC spent weeks setting up the storylines that were supposed to make us care about the Olympics. Before the Turin Games began, all we heard about was Michelle Kwan's quest for gold, "bad boy" Bode Miller's hard drinking training regimen, and Shani Davis's attempt at making history. Each of these NBC-manufactured storylines has either fallen flat or horribly backfired. We'll start today with the figure skaters.

Kwan's ragged (i.e., 25 year old) body gave out and now she's at home playing Animal Crossing and preparing to sign autographs at the next Hot Import Nights event. To Kwan's credit, as soon as she determined she could not skate, she withdrew from competition and flew back home, giving the US a chance to find a replacement. With all due respect, though, Emily Hughes is to Michelle Kwan as Pete Myers was to Michael Jordan in the 1993-94 Chicago Bulls starting lineup.

Speaking of 2-time gold medalist MJ, the US' greatest chance of bringing home the top prize in women's figure skating rests with Sasha "Premium P" Cohen. Boo is 5'2" and maybe 90 pounds, but the media keeps trying to blow her up as America's sexy skater. Every once in a while, I'll catch her at a flattering angle and think "yeah, maybe" but then I'll see joints like this and remember that her chest may actually be concave. If I wanted to holler at someone with the body of an 8 year old boy, I would trade my AA miles for a trip to Thailand. In any event, Sasha did her thing tonight and I hope she serves the fantastically named Slutskaya in the long program. I will also continue rooting for Japanese skater Miki Ando, if only because I want to see the array of plush Snoopy and Hello Kitty dolls tossed on the ice following her performance. Why is Japan so crazy for Snoopy?